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"I started to gain some confidence in myself, not just with my appearance, but also in making the right choices for myself. This is all without ‘giving up’ chocolate or creating any silly food rules – it was simply making mindful choices."
Just over a year ago, I finally admitted to myself that I had an issue with how I ate. I felt completely out of control. This went beyond the occasional overeating session or indulging in comfort foods, it was almost a daily occurrence of eating until I felt uncomfortably full. Sometimes I wouldn’t even know what I ate in a binge session, like I was caught in a haze or ‘out of my body’. After a binge (for me, often at lunchtime when I was home alone) I would feel such a heap of self-loathing and guilt that it would make me never want to eat anything ever again. But, by teatime, I would be mindlessly snacking away whilst cooking, often getting to the point I was full before I had even prepared my evening meal. I didn’t want anyone close to me know what I was doing, because I felt too ashamed to admit it, so I would go on to eat my tea even when I wasn’t hungry. It was a daily struggle.
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After years of poor body confidence, weight gain, self-denial and being caught in a binge-restrict cycle, I didn’t know how to help myself and really needed some guidance. That’s why it came as such a relief to meet Rachel. Right from our very first conversation, I knew Rachel understood what I was going through, and without any judgement could help me find the path out of this horrible cycle I had been caught in.
"I am a year on now, and I can safely say I would not be in this position without Rachel’s amazing help, guidance and support. I’ve opened up to my family about my struggles, and although my binging will never fully go away, as Rachel says “it’s how we live on most days that make the biggest difference”.
It's not as simple as just "eating less" or "having more willpower”. The first thing I learnt was that my eating and my emotions were so closely linked. Writing this now a year on, I’m not sure how I didn’t see this at the time, but when you’re in that negative spiral nothing makes sense. With Rachel’s help, before even discussing food, we identified some of my emotional tiggers. This was MASSIVE for me, as I’m a naturally logical person, so to understand that my eating was just a symptom of not processing my emotions properly made so much sense. The penny dropped when Rachel helped me realise that the physical feeling of fullness was my current coping mechanism, instead of feeling the emotion I was trying to suppress.
I think a big part of my emotional binge eating had been the sense of powerlessness I had, despite knowing the behaviour was harmful and wanting to stop, the compulsion to eat was irresistible. However, once myself and Rachel had identified some of my triggers, I felt suddenly like I had this control and insight I had never had before. Of course, this doesn’t happen overnight. It took weeks, if not months for me to become more self-aware of what I was feeling, what I was doing/eating, and learning what were genuine cravings versus emotional cravings. We worked on my change of mind set, and a critical part was learning to listen to my body’s natural cues of hunger and fullness – which I hadn’t listened to in a very long time.
Rachel coached me to retrain the thoughts I had about ‘having’ to finish a plate of food, how to stop distracting myself (such as TV/Netflix) when eating, and even the effect of where I ate, as I often used to stand in the kitchen to eat my lunch. After learning to listen to my body, I was surprised to realise I was hungrier more often than I thought I would be, and also got fuller quicker than I ever realised while eating a meal. Rachel really helped me to understand my nutrition, as I was getting hungry after breakfast because I wasn’t fuelling my body with what it needed to stay fuller for longer.
As the months went on, with Rachel’s help, I felt more in tune with my body and emotions than ever before. I started to lose weight as a side effect (although this wasn’t the main focus), and I began going back to the gym and wanting to move my body more. I started to gain some confidence in myself, not just with my appearance, but also in making the right choices for myself. This is all without ‘giving up’ chocolate or creating any silly food rules – it was simply making mindful choices.
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If you’ve read through this, and you resonate with how I was feeling at the start, I would hand on heart say the best step you could take for yourself would be to work with Rachel. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, and with the right guidance and support system, you can find the path towards healing and developing a healthier relationship with food.
